Hey my loves, the topic of Self harm is a very personal sensitive one, and i pray who ever is going through this comes across this post and thinks again before doing it. I wont be an agony aunt telling you to stop, and think that your stupid for harming yourself, but instead i want to reassure and remind you that you’re not alone.
I have come across so many people who self harm its crazy, i knew i wasnt alone but i just didnt realise so many people had this problem. Now i know for a fact, that if you self harm and you explain yourself to another person who doesnt self harm, they will 100% not understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been called stupid, a lowlife, attention seeker, weirdo, emo, the list goes on. But my family and friends who have tried to help me and i really appreciate their efforts, they just dont get it. Only someone who self harms will understand someone else who does the same. It’s a fact.
I came across someone on Twitter who put up pictures of his scars, and there were some horrible comments that probably pushed him further and further. I messaged him asking if he was okay, and i have to say talking to someone else who self harms is so eye opening, its a strange feeling of coming together through pain.
If i was to describe the process of coming about self harm, it would be really difficult but im going to describe it as best as i can from what i feel. When im in a personal crisis that i cant deal with, i get angry really quickly, my anger is unbelievable. Through frustration, because i dont want to get violent or destroy anything, i take it upon myself by cutting. It releases all my anger and pain away from me and onto something else; my skin. Its not always anger, sometimes its a deep sadness, it used to come from feeling worthless and a form of punishing myself, so it happens because of these emotions or sometimes all at once.
So if im in a crisis, i have a lot of pent up anger in me and i reach for my weapon. In this moment in time, im overcome by this sort of inner demon, my dark side, its a darkness and the person who i was lets say 3 days ago, is not there, she’s vanished. Im completely overcome by this deep dark shadow over me and it wont go unless i cut. I’ve tried resisting it by drawing on myself, going for a relaxing bath even, scratching myself, but the urges are so strong, so intense that its impossible to think of anything else other than the sensation of cutting and seeing blood on my skin. It sounds scary but i have checked for posession a couple of times so its safe to say it really is my dark side. Its an addiction. And like an addict, its really tough to get out of.
I’ve been self harming for about 7 years now, so its an addiction im struggling with. Everytime im in a crisis, i would rather take it out on me physically, rather than dealing with it emotionally. So i cut, cry and let it out of my system and then im back to normal Sahibah. After i cut, its a sigh of relief, its not exactly happiness but its a little joy knowing ive dealt with it and i’ll be okay soon. Its my inner demon smiling. I know it sounds a little deranged and creepy as hell but thats how it is for me. This is raw, real, self harm. A couple of hours later, the regret kicks in. The demonic, dark trance i was in is gone and normal Sahibah re appears again looking at herself in the mirror thinking, “man i really need to throw that knife away”. You cant shower for a while, you cant move whatever body part you cut, you always have to cover up and hide yourself and it hurts like a bitch. But you have to live and deal with the decision you made.
So thats the process for me, from thinking about cutting to covering up at the end. I have reached out for help and im so proud to say i’ve been self harm free for 6 months! The thing to remember is that you dont have to fall in a spriral of addiction like me, there are people willing to help.
- Talk to your GP– When you visit your GP you might discover that your self harm is a sign of a disorder that you need help with for example, depression or anxiety. Getting help as early as you can will help to minimise negative long term effects. You might also need injury treatment as everyone uses different ways to self harm, its not always a knife.
- Reach out to Self harm organisations/charities– Please make use of these, if you feel like you need to talk to someone new about your issues, or you need urgent help. These organisations are dedicated to helping people who suffer from self harm so please reach out. I cant stress how important it is to let your anger/frustration/sadness whatever it is you feel out in ANOTHER WAY, so please have a read through these websites, read their blogs and give them a call and i 100% promise you, you will get the help you need.
- Distract yourself – What helped me was to channel my anger out in another way and to not reach for my knife. Believe it or not, i took up boxing for a short time and breaking small things like a pen or tearing up paper, anything to take my mind away from cutting.
This is a very difficult topic for me to talk about. Its something i really dont like sharing, its my dark little secret that i keep to myself. I’ve always kept my online image in control, and not really sharing much about my personal life. Once you start to reveal another side of you, i feel your online image starts to shred and people start to look at you in a different way. That is something i want to avoid. I dont want to be seen as THAT girl. Im human and i have an addiction that im dealing with and thats simply it.
So thats why i feel that there isnt much awareness about Self harm online. If everyone else, like me keeps this dark side always hidden and never talking about it, then where and how will we ever get better?
I’ve met the most beautiful of beautiful people covered in scars and it breaks my heart thinking its such a hidden topic. More needs to be done to deal with it and a lot more conversations about self harm need to happen!
I think one important point to take away is not to put yourself really down afterwards. I have permanent scars but i look at them and i feel proud. It reminds me of the struggle i went through and i treat them as if they’re battle scars. One day in the future, if i hopefully get rid of this addiction i’ll look at my scars and remember the person i used to be.
If you suspect anyone who may be struggling with this, then please share this post with them. It would mean the world to me knowing ive helped someone❤. As always, if you need someone to talk to im always free for a chat and will do my best to help
See you in my next post!
Love from Sahibah x