Self harm

Hey my loves, the topic of Self harm is a very personal sensitive one, and i pray who ever is going through this comes across this post and thinks again before doing it. I wont be an agony aunt telling you to stop, and think that your stupid for harming yourself, but instead i want to reassure and remind you that you’re not alone.

I have come across so many people who self harm its crazy, i knew i wasnt alone but i just didnt realise so many people had this problem. Now i know for a fact, that if you self harm and you explain yourself to another person who doesnt self harm, they will 100% not understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been called stupid, a lowlife, attention seeker, weirdo, emo, the list goes on. But my family and friends who have tried to help me and i really appreciate their efforts,  they just dont get it. Only someone who self harms will understand someone else who does the same. It’s a fact.

I came across someone on Twitter who put up pictures of his scars, and there were some horrible comments that probably pushed him further and further. I messaged him asking if he was okay, and i have to say talking to someone else who self harms is so eye opening, its a strange feeling of coming together through pain.

If i was to describe the process of coming about self harm, it would be really difficult but im going to describe it as best as i can from what i feel. When im in a personal crisis that i cant deal with, i get angry really quickly, my anger is unbelievable. Through frustration, because i dont want to get violent or destroy anything, i take it upon myself by cutting. It releases all my anger and pain away from me and onto something else; my skin. Its not always anger, sometimes its a deep sadness, it used to come from feeling worthless and a form of punishing myself, so it happens because of these emotions or sometimes all at once.

So if im in a crisis, i have a lot of pent up anger in me and i reach for my weapon. In this moment in time, im overcome by this sort of inner demon, my dark side,  its a darkness and the person who i was lets say 3 days ago, is not there, she’s vanished. Im completely overcome by this deep dark shadow over me and it wont go unless i cut. I’ve tried resisting it by drawing on myself, going for a relaxing bath even, scratching myself, but the urges are so strong, so intense that its impossible to think of anything else other than the sensation of cutting and seeing blood on my skin. It sounds scary but i have checked for posession a couple of times so its safe to say it really is my dark side. Its an addiction. And like an addict, its really tough to get out of.

I’ve been self harming for about 7 years now, so its an addiction im struggling with. Everytime im in a crisis, i would rather take it out on me physically, rather than dealing with it emotionally. So i cut, cry and let it out of my system and then im back to normal Sahibah. After i cut, its a sigh of relief, its not exactly happiness but its a little joy knowing ive dealt with it and i’ll be okay soon. Its my inner demon smiling. I know it sounds a little deranged and creepy as hell but thats how it is for me. This is raw, real, self harm. A couple of hours later, the regret kicks in. The demonic, dark trance i was in is gone and normal Sahibah re appears again looking at herself in the mirror thinking, “man i really need to throw that knife away”. You cant shower for a while, you cant move whatever body part you cut, you always have to cover up and hide yourself and it hurts like a bitch. But you have to live and deal with the decision you made.

So thats the process for me, from thinking about cutting to covering up at the end. I have reached out for help and im so proud to say i’ve been self harm free for 6 months! The thing to remember is that you dont have to fall in a spriral of addiction like me, there are people willing to help.

  • Talk to your GP–  When you visit your GP you might discover that your self harm is a sign of a disorder that you need help with for example, depression or anxiety. Getting help as early as you can will help to minimise negative long term effects. You might also need injury treatment as everyone uses different ways to self harm, its not always a knife.
  • Reach out to Self harm organisations/charities– Please make use of these, if you feel like you need to talk to someone new about your issues, or you need urgent help. These organisations are dedicated to helping people who suffer from self harm so please reach out. I cant stress how important it is to let your anger/frustration/sadness whatever it is you feel out in ANOTHER WAY, so please have a read through these websites, read their blogs and give them a call and i 100% promise you, you will get the help you need.
  • http://www.selfharm.co.uk
  • http://www.youngminds.org.uk/self-harm
  • http://www.mind.org.uk
  • Distract yourself – What helped me was to channel my anger out in another way and to not reach for my knife. Believe it or not, i took up boxing for a short time and breaking small things like a pen or tearing up paper, anything to take my mind away from cutting.

This is a very difficult topic for me to talk about. Its something i really dont like sharing, its my dark little secret that i keep to myself. I’ve always kept my online image in control, and not really sharing much about my personal life. Once you start to reveal another side of you, i feel your online image starts to shred and people start to look at you in a different way. That is something i want to avoid. I dont want to be seen as THAT girl. Im human and i have an addiction that im dealing with and thats simply it. 

So thats why i feel that there isnt much awareness about Self harm online. If everyone else, like me keeps this dark side always hidden and never talking about it, then where and how will we ever get better?

I’ve met the most beautiful of beautiful people covered in scars and it breaks my heart thinking its such a hidden topic. More needs to be done to deal with it and a lot more conversations about self harm need to happen!

I think one important point to take away is not to put yourself really down afterwards. I have permanent scars but i look at them and i feel proud. It reminds me of the struggle i went through and i treat them as if they’re battle scars. One day in the future, if i hopefully get rid of this addiction i’ll look at my scars and remember the person i used to be.

If you suspect anyone who may be struggling with this, then please share this post with them. It would mean the world to me knowing ive helped someone❤. As always, if you need someone to talk to im always free for a chat and will do my best to help

See you in my next post!

Love from Sahibah x

     

    Smiling again

    Hey my loves, today i want to talk about smiling and emotional numbness. Losing the ability to feel happy as far as im aware and from my experience can come from feeling numb/empty inside

    Growing up, ive seen countless people including myself expressionless, as if they’re in a trance, daydreaming and staring at a wall. We’ve all experienced this emptiness somehow. As far as my knowledge goes,  numbness can be caused by depression or anxiety and even stress. Some antidepressents can cause you to feel emotionally numb as a side effect. Its a difficult emotion to explain, but its a terrible sinking feeling. Even if your in a room full of people, you feel empty and isolated from inside. You dont feel sad, irritated or angry it really is just emptiness. It really is inexplainable but its temporary, so if you relate to what i’ve said above, hang in there and handle it in a healthy way by reading these tips…

    When i think of numbness, i think of depression, and when i think of depression, i think of talking to someone ASAP. The first step in treating this is to discover the underlying cause as to why you feel this way and then figure out a treatment. In my opinion, a therapist would be best. I can say, from my experience spending time with a  therapist, getting a new opinion/perspective has been SO refreshing, a one hour session made me feel unburdened and reassured that i will get better.

    Now, in my culture visiting a therapist/psychiatrist is looked down upon and its “embarrasing”, if word gets out. People will gossip, and they’ll say so and so’s daughter/son is crazy, i wonder whats wrong, did he/she do something wrong blah blah blah… To that i say FUCK what anyone says ( i dont normally swear but i just had to!) I’m so against this mentality i wish i could somehow pull it out of their heads. Your mental health, your happiness and your well being comes before anyone and everyone. Going to a therapist is not embarrasing and its nothing to be ashamed of remember that. It was the best decision i ever made. The first session was a little awkward, you are talking to a stranger of course, and i remember sitting there thinking where do i even begin from, but it started to get easier when i got asked questions about my feelings and why do i think so negatively. We also took a trip to the past, talked about my childhood and my time growing up and how its influenced me. I gained a new perspective every session and became a bit more confident about expressing myself. Its not easy talking about your feelings, discovering your unconcious and the motivation behind what you say or do. Its a journey that takes time, patience and understanding but it is so worth it.

    You dont need to spend thousands on a private therapist, you can appproach your doctor, explain your situation and he/she will refer you, or you can even talk to a member of staff at school, college, university or even work and there will 100% be a guidance counsellor or a therapist. If you need further support, you will be referred to a specialist, but dont let this get you down. It just means you can get better treatment that you deserve.

    Exercise is also great for stress relief, something to take your mind off things, to flood your mind and body with “good” endorphines. Im not a great exerciser, i never work out but when i feel like i cant smile, or when i feel emotionless i tend to go for walks with my nephew, or sometimes i dance ( im actually forced to do this when i feel this way but it makes me feel better super quick). Just a little physical activity makes me feel better so its important to keep that in mind. Getting plenty of sleep is helpful too, but not more than you need to. If you can get at least 8 hours of quality sleep every night, it could help to improve your mood. Making an effort to do these little things makes a huge difference and it shows that you want to get out of this rough patch.

    If you are experiencing emotional numbness, remember that you are not alone and this is just temporary. Connect and reach out to your loved ones and try speaking to a counsellor/therapist to discover the underlying cause of this problem, create a treatment plan together whether its medicine, talking it out or some sort of therapy you need, to prevent this happening again in the future. I am so passionate about mental health and i try my best to help so if you need someone to talk to/ talk about my experience with my therapist im always available.

    See you in my next post and God bless!

    Love from Sahibah x

    How to deal with heartbreak 

    Hey my loves! I decided to talk about heartbreak and share some suggestions in how to deal with such a difficult situation. Now, this was the most requested topic as i try to help as many as i can with this issue so my apologies in advance if this turns into a 5000 word essay. A short disclaimer before i start, this post is aimed at any sort of romantic relationship married or unmarried, im not encouraging “haram” relationships. I support those with good intentions and those who are prepared to make it work.  In this day and age, who hasnt been in one, but the purpose of this is to just to help and become a better person and hopefully to see the right way for themselves.

    Im no stranger to relationships and over time ive developed ways to get over “it” and make the situation less damaging than it already is. Even though these suggestions are personal, i feel like they can be applied to whatever reason the relationship ended.

    1) Acceptance

    The most basic step to move forward is when you feel as if your drowning, when you feel lifeless. when everything around you feels so dark and so bleak, accepting that your in this situation and you may be like this for a while, is the first step to recovery. Coming to terms with whats happened takes time but accepting it is so so important. Dont be in denial. For example, if you’ve been cheated on, dont carry on as if everythings normal and as if your partner hasnt done anything wrong. Acceptance is recovery. Also, accepting your feelings, the fact that your in pain is equally important. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CRY. I cant emphasise that enough. Cry in your bed, cry at the park, cry when your eating but dont hold it in thinking your strong and you dont need to cry over someone. Thinking that bottles up your anger and pain and trust me on this, its gonna come out one day and it will be nasty.

    2) Dont think all is lost

    This is me saying this from a very personal experience. So when you lose someone i can agree that you feel as if your life has ended, everything loses its purpose and nothing matters anymore. When you lie on your bed, catatonic, and the pillow is drenched with tears i fully understand how we think all is lost. There is no easy way to get out of this. Personally, i sleep a lot by taking a bunch of painkillers waking up and doing the same and it carries on until staying awake doesnt hurt anymore (I completely dont recommend this btw). However sleeping it out used to help me, by sleeping i didnt have to face reality. In this situation you have to find something that works for you, but for the love of God, please think of your health when finding a solution. All is not lost. Remember, before your partner you were someone, you had a family, a life and you can still be that same person. It all however depends on how strong you are to go back to being that person.

    3) Talk to someone

    You might have heard of this a million times but talking is the best cure. But it doesnt have to be the same person. I used to feel that i was annoying my friends by letting out my feelings ( it was all in my head of course) I used to turn to my family. Of course it depends on the situation, some situations are as such that you cant tell your family. But saying something like, “i feel so lost” or ” i cant ever be happy” will obviously get a concerned reaction and you’lll be surprised at how your parents/siblings can help you. The one person not to talk to is your ex. Especially straightaway. If after some time seeing him out in public doesnt want to make you emotional then thats probably a good time to forgive and forget. Talking it out may make you realise things you didnt understand before, because sometimes its not only your partner’s fault it ended but it might have been yours too.

    4) Prayer

    So after you’ve accepted the situation and let your feelings out you need to pray. In this type of situation, its easier said than done but nevertheless you have to! A bit ironic coming from me as after a breakup, i lose hope in everything and i dont see the point in praying anymore. I once stopped praying for about 6/7 months (teenagehood😩 ), but if i had just moved my butt over to the prayer mat every now and then i couldve recovered so much quicker. Breakups/ divorces happen for a reason and i cant say much except for God knows best. Maybe your getting saved from something terrible, maybe you deserve someone better or maybe its just not your time to get married yet. Turning to your Lord when you’ve hit rock bottom may just change the entire course of your life so seize this opportunity.

    5) Treat yo’self

    After praying, (of course you followed my advice above🤗). It is time to treat yourself. I treat myself a little too much so it feels pretty normal to me but you are allowed to 100% spoil yourself. I normally turn to makeup and buy a product i wouldnt normally do. However, UNLIKE ME DONT SPEND YOUR ENTIRE SAVINGS. Little warning there. Remember, you do have an entire life after this. Spoil yourself but dont think that hey i dont have a wedding to save up for anymore, hello christian louboutin. I mean sure buy a pair if you want or go get yourself a waffle with an extra scoop of ice cream, but please dont over do it. Overdraft is a dark place to be in and you wanna be happy (emotionally, spiritually and financially🙌)

    So thats pretty much all i wanted to ramble on about. Making sure that you do all these things will make the getting over “it” process quicker and slightly easier to deal with. It is tough but theres light at the end of the tunnel. There always is. And when you make a fabulous entrance into singlehood its gonnna be great i promise. When you are single, stay single. For a while at least to be happy and enjoy life and give yourself time to keep recovering, because it wont happen overnight.

    If you need further personalised help/advice and need someone to talk to im happy to help. You can contact me by using any of the links in the Contact page

    See you in my next post!

    Love from Sahibah x

    Why I’ve made a blog

    Hey my loves,

    I wanted my very first post to be about why and how I came about blogging. Now for some, its not a huge deal but for me its been a long decision ( 2 years to be exact). Yes, you heard that right, it took me 2 years to muster up the courage to write what I love and put myself out online. (even though I’m still figuring out how to use this, but I’ll get better I promise)

    As a teen, I slowly got into makeup and very quickly fell in love with it. Ive always wanted my own style and loved reading books about beauty, learning about makeup artists of the past and creating my own style. But anyway fast forward to 2015, I wanted to have my own blog. So I drew up some designs, had plans for my Instagram to be more instagrammy and went on make up sprees. Somehow, I started taking it too seriously and I kind of forced myself into it by being all serious about target audience, monetising and only writing about one thing, blah blah. It sucked the fun out if it. Even in makeup I pushed myself to do it better and then that became a chore too and I dropped the whole idea. I always had doubts and this voice in my head that said, my make up isn’t good enough, or I don’t have enough followers and no one will read my posts so i might as well not bother…

    Fast forward to 2017 where I left Instagram to take a break from all the pretty girls, the lavishness, the glamour of it all (hope someone can relate!). In this time, I had an epiphany. It took me a while but I became content with who I am and my abilities. Now, ive started to not feel insecure/threatened by other influencers because I actually felt that way and now I post what I like and take risks (AKA, this blog).

    This blog is kind of a personal diary that I want to share. I’ll be talking about issues that people have requested and issues im passionate about such as suicide, depression, mental health, and so much more that I really want to share. If anyone wants to reach out to me I’m only a click away and i’ll also be including the relevant helplines.

    So to wrap up this insanely long post ( I love you if you’ve made it this far ❤ ) . Take risks. Seriously take the plunge and don’t leave projects halfway. Take risks and you’ll be surprised because it may be the best thing you’ve ever done.

    See you in my next post!

    Love from Sahibah x